If I Only Had The Words To Tell You
by Lyria Padfoot
Summary: Jaina doesn't have the words to tell everyone how she's feeling, but she helps Han find the words to tell his family he cares. Sorry about the dumb summary/ending. PLEASE R/R!


If I Only Had the Words to Tell You  
  
Disclaimer: This is George Lucas's field, I just play smashball in it. None of this  
  
belongs to me. Maybe next fic?  
  
Summary: Jaina doesn't have the words to tell anyone how she's feeling about  
  
her parent's relationship, but she helps Han find the words to tell his  
  
family he cares. Sorry about the sappy ending & summary. Takes place  
  
after Vector Prime.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for some non-PG situations. No, I'm not talking about sex. Read  
  
and you shall see.  
  
Posting: As long as the legal jargon is attached and you e-mail me at  
  
LeiaAmidala916@yahoo.com to ask, I'll say yes.  
  
Feedback: Yes!!! Let me know if it sucks, but not in those words please. I like  
  
to think I'm pretty good at this, so if I'm not let me know... but if I am you  
  
can tell me that too!  
  
Leia sat in her favorite chair at home, reading. Home. She remembered a time when this had been Han's home as well. But, if he wanted to "give himself space" and go live on the Falcon, that was his decision. She was starting to get used to his absence, and it frightened her. But, with or without him, her little family would carry on. Jaina was off in her X-wing, with the rest of Rogue Squadron. Anakin was on Yavin with Luke and Mara. Jacen was upstairs, home for an evening for once.  
  
Well, that left her, mostly alone in the house and finished with her book. Safe to practice her Force skills without the judgment of Luke, Mara, Anakin, Jaina, Kyp Durron, or anyone else. Whether they were trying to help her or not, the way they acted so superior sometimes simply because she wasn't a fully trained Jedi irritated her beyond belief. Being Chief of State made it difficult to have official lessons.  
  
Leia reached out, opening herself to the Force as Luke had shown her-  
  
-and felt pain from a very familiar presence.  
  
"Jaina!" Leia yelled. At the same second, Jacen yelled from upstairs & her comlink beeped. She answered the comlink. "Luke?"  
  
"What happened?" Her brother's voice helped to calm her down.  
  
"I don't know. She's not at home." Leia wasn't sure she wanted an answer, but she asked the question anyway. "Is she dead?"  
  
"No." Luke paused. "She's hurt pretty badly, and scared, but she's alive."  
  
"Someone's at the door," Jacen called just before the doorbell rang. He fairly flew down the stairs. A second later, her son walked into the room followed by Wedge Antilles.  
  
Leia didn't bother with small talk. "Wedge, what happened to Jaina?"  
  
"Her X-wing exploded. Someone planted a bomb in it." He looked at Leia. "I'm sorry."  
  
"So now the question is what we're going to do about it," Jacen chimed in.  
  
"She was brought to the medcenter." Wedge didn't look at Leia as he spoke the next part. "I called Han."  
  
Han. Leia hadn't even thought to call him yet. Either she was still in shock or she was really getting used to his absence. "I suppose he should know."  
  
"Mom..." Jacen spoke up.  
  
"Don't start." She cut him off. "I didn't exactly kick him out of the house, Jacen. I know you miss him."  
  
"So do you." He replied. "Whether you believe it or not."  
  
"I don't believe it. So let's not talk about it." She turned to the other occupant of the room. "Thank you, Wedge."  
  
"It's the least I can do. They don't want her to have visitors, but I can keep you posted if you want to handle the rest of the family."  
  
"I'd appreciate that. Thanks again." Leia sat down in the chair. Wedge left and Jacen gave his mother a hug.  
  
"Mom, are you okay?"  
  
"Sort of." There was a lot of Han in Jacen. Or at least a lot of what Han was, she corrected herself.  
  
As if on cue, the door opened and Han and Droma arrived.  
  
"Wedge called me." Han managed.  
  
"He told me. Luke and Mara know. Anakin's on Yavin with them, and Jacen's obviously here." Leia didn't bother to stand up. "Not that you care."  
  
"Of course I care!" He snapped. "They're my children too, Leia."  
  
"You don't seem too concerned about them when they're in one piece." Leia retorted. There was too much of their early relationship in this. But this time it wasn't bickering. It was meant to hurt. And they both knew it.  
  
"At least they stay in one piece when I'm around. That wonderful Jedi rubbish they got from you seems to get them into trouble." Han barked back at her.  
  
"At least they got something valuable from me."  
  
Han glared at her. "Any reason we're sitting here while Jaina's at the medcenter? Or is it because you don't trust me around our children?"  
  
"Jaina can't have visitors." Jacen stepped in. His face was expressionless.  
  
Han winced. He tried to keep from fighting with Leia in front of them. Not that they didn't know there were problems. They didn't need to be reminded. And what exactly those problems stemmed from he wasn't sure. He just knew that after Chewie had died, things around the house had gotten interesting. Especially between him & Leia. "Hi, kid. How have you been?" Han gave his son a quick hug.  
  
"Okay, I guess. How about you?" Jacen and Han were soon catching up.  
  
Leia just sat in her chair, quiet. She wasn't sure what to say. She was grateful that Jacen had stepped in and shut the two of them up before things had gotten any worse.  
  
She just didn't know what had happened to Han after Chewie had died. Part of her husband had died with the friend he'd had for so many years. He'd backed away from all of the people who loved him. He carried around so much anger and indifference. Leia had assumed he was simply afraid to let himself care about people for fear of getting hurt, that he'd get over it with time. But he just kept getting colder and more distant.  
  
"What do you think, Mom?" Jacen interrupted her thoughts.  
  
"What?" She shook the thoughts away. "Sorry, I missed that."  
  
"I noticed. Dad was just asking me if he thought we should have Anakin come home."  
  
"He might want to be here. We should ask him, at least." Leia looked at Han. "We can have him meet us at the medcenter."  
  
"I'll get my coat." Jacen announced.  
  
"No." Han stopped him. "Stay here. It's not going to do you any good to see your sister like this."  
  
"It won't do you any good either." Jacen shot back.  
  
"I've already been. And, honestly, I don't think your mother should go either." Han looked at Leia.  
  
"I'll decide where I go, thank you." She replied.  
  
"I knew you'd say something like that." Han stood up. "Let's go, if you're coming."  
  
  
  
A short while later, Han and Leia arrived at the medcenter. Droma had stayed behind to watch the Falcon at Han's request, and Leia hadn't objected. The trip over had been eerily silent. Han didn't try to make conversation and Leia didn't feel like another argument.  
  
The medic in charge decided that Leia and Han could see Jaina, as her parents, for a short period. When Leia walked in, she found herself agreeing with Han's appraisal of the situation.  
  
"Oh, Jaina." Leia gently stroked back a piece of singed and matted hair.  
  
"Whoever did this to her isn't going to be around too long after I get their name." Han stood against a back wall. He couldn't admit to himself that this broken, battered young woman was the little girl he'd raised with Leia. She was so lively, so full of potential. The person in front of him looked dead.  
  
"Mom? Dad?" The voice was that of a little girl. "I... did I die?"  
  
"No, honey, no." Leia hugged her gently. "You'll be okay."  
  
"I'm scared." Jaina tried hard not to cry. This wasn't quite her plan. "Where's Jacen? Does Dad know?"  
  
"I'm right here. Your brother's at home." Han spoke up. He went to the bed and sat next to Leia. "And your mother's right for once, you'll be fine."  
  
Leia bit her tongue. It wouldn't do Jaina any good to tell Han exactly where he could stick his smart comments.  
  
Jaina noticed the comment, and the look on her mother's face. "Hey Dad, been a while, huh?"  
  
He smiled. Leave it to Jaina to say something like that. "It sure has, Jaya. It sure has."  
  
"So, I'm awake, I'm breathing, let's go home." Jaya said as the medic walked in.  
  
"Not yet, ma'am." The medic smiled. "Why don't you take a nap and I'll get the nosy parents out of here?"  
  
"Okay." Jaina looked at her parents. "See you tomorrow, Mom & Dad?"  
  
"You better believe it, honey." Han kissed her. "Leia, shall we see what the medic wants?"  
  
As soon as they left the room, Leia asked the medic what exactly was going on. "She's asking us if she's going to die, and I'd like to know myself."  
  
"I wish I could answer that question." The medic looked in at the young woman. "She's lost a lot of blood, and she's bleeding internally. I know it's not a pleasant thought, but we've been taking pieces of her X- wing out of her since she got here, and we're definitely not done. She's probably going to be here for a few weeks at least." His patient's parents both looked at him anxiously. "There isn't a lot you can do here. It would be best if you both went home for now and we'll call you if there are any changes." He sighed. This was the hard part. "I don't want to say anything, really, but chances are she's going to die."  
  
Leia tried her hardest to cry on the way home. It didn't work very well. When they arrived, Han tried to wrap an arm around her. "Leia, I..."  
  
"Just go away, Han." She let the tears fall. "Go away."  
  
The next morning, the medic called Leia and Han. "She made it through the night fine, but she's not doing too well. We're working on getting out more shrapnel today."  
  
"Can we see her?" Han asked immediately.  
  
The medic paused. "Later. Right now, you wouldn't want to. And she wouldn't want you to."  
  
Leia hung up. "I suppose if you're here you can sleep in the house."  
  
Han looked at her. "And if I don't want to?"  
  
"Then don't."  
  
He didn't have an answer for that.  
  
"Han, I don't have the energy to fight with you. If you've decided you want to live on your own, go right ahead. If you want a divorce, get the papers." Leia faced him. "I don't know what it is that will make you happy, but apparently it's not me anymore." She turned and walked away.  
  
Han stared after her. Then he turned and walked out of the house and onto the Falcon.  
  
"Chewie, what I wouldn't give to have you here right now." Han spoke the words out loud, not thinking.  
  
"He's not here. But I am. What do you want?" Droma stepped into the cockpit.  
  
"You're the second person in five minutes to ask me that." Han sat down in his chair.  
  
"And your point is what?"  
  
"I don't know what I want! From you? Advice, I guess." Han sighed. "This whole thing is a mess."  
  
"It doesn't clean itself up if you leave it there, you know."  
  
"Point being?"  
  
"You make the mess, you clean it up."  
  
"And when did this become my fault, may I ask?" Han was angry now.  
  
"I don't know." Droma looked at him. "When did it? But you are the one that left."  
  
"So now what? Moving back into the house isn't going to help much."  
  
"Do I look like an advice column? Maybe you should ask HER that. Once you figure out what you want, that is." Droma left the cockpit.  
  
Han stayed there, staring at nothing.  
  
  
  
A few hours later, Wedge called Leia. "I have... interesting news."  
  
"What is it?" She didn't like his tone.  
  
"Jaina planted that bomb."  
  
"She WHAT!?!?" Leia nearly passed out. But something wouldn't let her.  
  
"There was a note in her locker. She was trying to commit suicide." Wedge paused. "I think you and Han should read it."  
  
"I... I think that would be... wise." Leia could barely speak. Why would her lovely, talented, brilliant daughter want to kill herself?  
  
All she knew was she had to read that note. And talk to Han.  
  
When Han heard, he was sure Leia had finally snapped. Reading Jaina's note changed that opinion.  
  
Dear Mom, Dad, Jacen, Anakin, Uncle Luke, Aunt Mara, and everyone else,  
  
I know you'll be upset. I can't blame you.  
  
Mom, Dad, I know you're trying to stay together for us. So you can at least say you're married. You're hoping that will hurt us less. But I've heard you fight, and I've heard you talk about getting divorced. I think you could work it out, but if you think you can't I can't change that.  
  
I know I'm part of the reason you both are so unhappy. And I can't live with that. So I guess this is the best way to help. I love you all.  
  
Jaina  
  
Leia burst into tears as soon as she finished reading. For once, she didn't try to stop herself, she didn't care who was around. "She didn't know... she didn't..."  
  
"What, Leia?" Han had never been so uncomfortable in his life. He didn't know whether to hold Leia, yell at her, or just keep his mouth shut.  
  
"Nothing." She composed herself. "But I think we need to talk to Jacen & Anakin."  
  
Neither of the boys said anything right away after they read the note. Jacen looked at his younger brother, and Anakin looked at the note, but they were both silent.  
  
Leia decided that if no one else would say anything, she would. "Have either of you ever... thought about doing something like this?"  
  
Jacen looked away. He wouldn't be the first one to say something about this, Leia knew. But his eyes told her it could have as easily been him in the medcenter.  
  
Anakin finally spoke, his blue eyes filled with tears. "That's why I went to Yavin. I... I guess I was trying to escape from it. It just made it worse."  
  
Leia looked at Han, not sure what to say.  
  
Finally, Han said something. "Listen, I... If you ever think of doing something like that, you have to say something. To your mother or I. To anyone, okay? Just... say something before you do something like that." He sighed. "I wish Jaina had said something. I have to talk to your mother." He looked at both of them. "Can I trust you both not to do something stupid if I talk to her alone?"  
  
"Yes." Jacen and Anakin both said.  
  
They left. Leia wouldn't look at Han.  
  
"Can I tell you something? Completely honestly?" Han sat down across from Leia.  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"I'm becoming what I was before I met you. And it scares me." Han looked at the woman he'd fallen in love with. The woman that had completely changed his life. "I don't want to be that man again, Leia."  
  
"Why did you leave?" Leia needed an answer. "You know I'd have done everything I could to help you, Han."  
  
He was silent, not sure what to say. He did know.  
  
"I love you, damn it, Han!"  
  
"I... I thought it would be better... for everyone..." Han stammered.  
  
"Like hell."  
  
"Because I was afraid, all right? Because I was absolutely terrified it would be you or one of the kids next. Because I didn't want to be there to see it if it was." He looked into her eyes for the first time since he'd arrived. "Because I love you." He snorted. "And look what a mess that got us into."  
  
"Why didn't you say so then?" Leia was somewhat quieted.  
  
"Because it was too hard to say it then." He quieted down as well. "It's always been hard for me to admit , Leia. You know that."  
  
She did know. And his admitting it made her think that, maybe, they could still fix this whole mess before it was too late. "Let's talk again later." She gently took his hand. "I don't want you to strain yourself," she teased.  
  
"Nice." Han smiled. "Come on, let's go see Jaina."  
  
They walked out of the room and found two anxious looking teenage boys in the hall.  
  
"You were yelling." Jacen announced.  
  
"I could have told you that." Han looked at him, then at Leia. He knew exactly what their kids were thinking and he was hoping Leia wouldn't say anything just yet. "Well, your mom and I made a decision."  
  
Anakin's face fell. "You're getting divorced."  
  
Han forced himself to remain expressionless. "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but...." He paused, looked at them both. "We decided to try and work it out."  
  
Jacen and Anakin both went crazy. Han laughed. "I had you two going."  
  
"Not for a minute." Anakin declared. "I listened to your conversation with the Force."  
  
"You little..." Han glared at him. "Just take away my fun then!"  
  
Leia shook her head. "In case you all didn't notice, SOMEONE in this family is at the medcenter!"  
  
The three male members of the family grew serious. And then the phone rang.  
  
Han answered it. It was the medic taking care of Leia. "I'm speaking to Jaina's father, I presume?"  
  
"Yes." Every possible worry went through his head, but mainly one thing. 'Chances are she's going to die.'  
  
"There's been a change in your daughter's condition."  
  
Leia saw the look on his face and went over to wrap an arm around him. Not now. Don't let Jaina die now. She couldn't imagine what would happen if they lost Jaina. Especially Han. His words came back to her. 'I was absolutely terrified it would be you or one of the kids next...'  
  
"And?" Han managed.  
  
"We've removed the shrapnel and the internal bleeding has stopped. We think she'll probably be released later this week."  
  
Han hadn't realized he was holding his breath until he released it. "Thank you." He hung up and turned to his family. "She's going to be fine."  
  
"Then let's go talk to her." Leia turned to the two boys. "Are you two quite calm now? We don't want to frighten her."  
  
Jacen laughed. "I think we frighten her normally."  
  
"Well, if you can't help it, then I guess we can go." Han gently put an arm around Leia, pulling her close. "We have to have a family chat."  
  
  
  
Han, Leia, Luke, Mara, Jacen, Anakin, and Jaina all sat in Jaina's room at the medcenter. Jaina was more than a little concerned when they all walked in at once.  
  
"We found out about your little stunt." Han tried his hardest to look angry. "It wasn't too swift on your part, you know."  
  
Jaina looked up at them. So that was why all of them were here. "I'm dying. I..." She looked at her parents, at her twin. "I don't want to die anymore."  
  
"I'm glad to hear that." Han hugged her. "Because you're not going anywhere, and I'd hate to think we were inconveniencing you, making you live and all."  
  
"I'm okay?" Jaina managed shakily.  
  
"For now." Leia smiled at her little girl. "Of course, when you get home, I'm going to kill you!" She turned serious. "Why didn't you say something?"  
  
"Dad wasn't around, and Anakin and Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara were on Yavin, and you're always busy."  
  
"Oh, so I don't matter?" Jacen quipped.  
  
"Of course you do, but... I didn't want to make you do something stupid."  
  
Mara piped up. "So YOU, Jaina, can do all the stupid things you want, but when your brother gets involved, that's different."  
  
On the same wavelength, as usual, Luke spoke up. "I don't care if we're on the other side of the galaxy, you can always talk to us, Jaina."  
  
"You would have told Mom. And I didn't want them getting upset or worried about me when they have all sorts of other problems..."  
  
"Stop talking right there." Han spoke up. He looked at Leia, for confirmation or support, Jaina wasn't sure, before he continued. "First off, going and blowing yourself up isn't the best way to keep us from getting upset. You know that. And I hope you know we actually like worrying about you. It's what we're here for. And you're never, ever a problem. We love you." Han gently hugged her. "I love you, Jaina."  
  
It had to be the first time since she was eleven her father had actually told her he loved her. She knew, of course, but it wasn't the same. "I love you too, Dad."  
  
"Okay, if we're done with the mushy stuff, I suggest we let Jaina eat." Mara said. "And Solo says I've gone soft."  
  
Han wouldn't have taken the comment about "mushy stuff" too well a week ago, but for once he didn't comment. He just kissed Leia and messed up Jacen's hair.  
  
  
  
"I'm impressed, Han, you actually behaved." Leia teased once they got home.  
  
"I told you, sweetheart, I'm not going to let myself turn into what I used to be." He sat on the bed and pulled her onto his lap. "I don't promise a miracle, but I want to enjoy having a wife and kids this time and not make a stink every time someone has something to say about it."  
  
"They always have something to say." Leia sighed.  
  
"Then let 'em talk." He ran his fingers through her hair.  
  
"We're not going to go back to being the happily married couple overnight, you know." She informed him.  
  
"Good." Han gently flopped out on their bed and pulled Leia close. "That gives me more time to enjoy the process." 


End file.
